On Saturday Mark and I attended mass at Prince of Peace and in his sermon Father Tony told a story about Mother Teresa.
A priest visited Mother Teresa in Calcutta and she asked him, “What can I do for you?”
“Pray for me,” the priest said.
“What do you want me to pray for?” she asked.
“Pray that I have clarity.”
“No,” Mother Teresa said.
“Why?” the priest asked.
Mother Teresa told him that clarity was the last thing that he was clinging to and he had to let go of it.
“But you have the clarity that I long for,” he said.
Mother Teresa laughed. “I have never had clarity. What I’ve always had is trust. I will pray that you can trust.”
I’m a planner, so after my diagnosis I started planning for the end of my life right away because I thought it would help bring me clarity. I wanted to plan my funeral, finalize my will and figure out all of my medical decisions so they would be out of the way and I could concentrate on finding the meaning in what was happening to me. That’s when I started to share my life on this blog and thanks to Mark and my family it has helped me realize some amazing dreams, connect with family and friends and bring me some amount of clarity.
I love almost every aspect of my life, except for this one part. And I know I can’t change my diagnosis, but I wish I could take away the sadness. I wish part of my planning could include making sure my family and friends are going to be okay when I die. I guess that’s where the trust comes in. Maybe I don’t need clarity as to how it will happen, maybe I just need to trust that when I’m gone things will end up being okay for everyone I love.