Most of the time I am able to accept the challenges that life throws my way if I have time to process my thoughts. Talking things through with Mark, our kids or others is also very helpful. Since my diagnosis, I’ve had some time to really think about my disease verses other diseases. ALS is a shitty disease but I think it is the right one for me because it is giving me time to celebrate, mourn and adjust.
First, I think I have been surrounded by the right people to help me get through my struggles of sadness and weakness. Listening to those people have helped me understand that I am not the only one suffering, most people are in some way.
Second, this disease has given me time to try and figure what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have had some of the most meaningful conversations with people I love and I’ve been gifted with quality time with so many family members and old and new friends. As this disease progresses I’ve had time to mentally adjust to the changes that are happening in my body. Some of the adjustments have been more graceful than others.
The struggle I am trying to overcome right now is having someone feed me. I had a major breakdown this week while Kelly and I were sharing cheeseburger soup together. The liquid and the chunks in the soup play havoc with my swallowing. The two consistencies no longer mesh while swallowing and cause me to choke, which is scary, so Kelly tried to make it easier for me by pureeing my soup. Even though it looked awful, the taste was still good. I took a couple of bites and started to cry, not because the soup looked like shit but because I was physically exhausted from raising my arms to my mouth. Kelly offered to feed me but instead we both just cried.
After a few days of thinking about having someone feed me, I am finally giving in. I don’t want to waste my precious time worrying about something I have no control over.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.